Dungeon Siege

Well. it's been some seven hours of more or less continuous play and I daresay that I've had enough Dungeon Siege.

Oh yeah, ha-ha, the game actually ran, XP compatibility mode, no problems at all. Just cause I've been burned by this already, I didn't wanna risk exiting it until just now, but, I could go on with life with few regrets if I didn't play it again. Time for haiku:

Mediocre game.
like going on a date with
a homely nice girl.

Depending on your audience, you could change that to "boring" nice girl.

Misogyny aside, Dungeon Siege is alright. I mean, I haven't played Dungeons and Dragons since some friends drove down from college three months ago, so I'm jonesing for a fix. Sadly, as we can see from the title, Dungeon Siege is only about half of Dungeons and Dragons. Not in terms of length, though, oh no, my seven to eight hour investment probably netted me a quarter of completion. But characters only have 3 stats (STR, DEX and INT) instead of 6 (missing CHA, CON, WIS), there are multitudes of dungeons, but only one dragon, and wizards suck throughout the game, where as in D&D, they only suck at low levels.

It went for a little more actiony/exciting version of RPG style combat, it felt a bit more like World of Warcraft than Baldur's Gate. Wizard's don't have access to a really wide variety of spells, so they're more like magic archers, vomiting up sparkly balls of energy that do little in the way of damage at low in the way of speeds.

That problem is compounding when you realize that Dungeon Siege follows the curious design that experience is collected per hit. Near as I can tell anyway. But the result is that my archers, who got to fire jillions of quick shots, leveled at a faster rate than my melee fighters, who leveled faster than my mages, who spent most of their time mumbling lengthy incantations and missing their targets. The order changed somewhat as I became less interested in the game and spent my time petting my emotionally-needy cat during combat. Then I discovered that the AI would only have my characters attack if they were attacked, even despite options in the controls that would alleged to prevent that. Thus, my fighters would hop from threat to threat dealing hell on anyone that dare landed a shot on them while my mage and archers would pretty much stand around and talk about sports. The following is an excerpt:

Mage: My, that was exhiliarating. I threw a magic sparkle bomb at the enemy and it did impact him! The explosion even hurt some of his teammates as well as my own party members.

Archer: Don't exert yourself so much, Gerty! Here, we've slain the target that the glowing sword in the sky asked of us, let us stand and rest awhile.

Mage: Yes, I've used up an entire percentage of my mana, I don't want to strain myself.

Fighters: FOR BLAGAROG, KING OF DEATH!!!

Healer: Good fellows, I do believe that the combat does persist beyond the felling of the first foe. Look, yon generic tolkien-inspired-lizard-man-beasts-whose-language-includes-a-lot-of-k's-and-double-consonants continue to assail our fighters.

Archer: I'm not sure that they're a threat exactly. I think these fellows wish to pace up and down the hallway, grunting and flexing their scaly muscles. Not so different from ourselves really. Look, that Krugg Shaman is just standing there, swaying slightly. We have so much in common.

Fighters: WE HAVE SLAIN THE FOUL C-- WHAT HIT ME?! YOU, FOUL CREATURE! FOR BLAGAROG, KING OF DEATH!!!

Healer: Goodly combatants! You are standing amidst a mob of assailants. The next will attack you just as the first did!

Mage: Ugh, I do detest violence. Why can't the world be full of ineffectual balls of sparkly magic?

Fighters: WE HAVE SLAIN TH-- WHAT TH-- STRIKING ME FROM BEHIND, SNEAKING FIEND?! FOR BLAGAROG, KING OF DEATH!!!

Healer (muttering): Oh my god, he wasn't even behind you for chrissakes

FIGHTERS: WE HAVE SLAIN THE FOU- AH-- HAVE AT YOU!!! WE HAVE SLAIN TH-- FOR BLAGAROG, KING OF DEATH!!! WE HAVE SLAI-- FOR BLAGAROG! WE HA-- FOR BLAGA-- WE H- FOR BLAGAROG!!! FOR BLAGAROG! FOR BLAGAROG! FOR BLAGAROG! FOR--FOR--F--F--F--F--F--F WE HAVE SLAIN THE FOUL CREATURE!

Fighters have gained two levels from fighting using melee weapons.

Mage: Unh. It is most unfair that they advance so quickly. I would like to gain access to higher levels of sparkly ineffectual magic.

Archer: Have faith in the glowing sword on high, friend.

Mage: Maybe if we participated in the battle just a lit--

Archer: No! 'Twould blaspheme the sword.

Fighters (distantly): FOR BLAGAROG, KING OF DEATH!!!!!!

Healer: Sirs, the fighters have accidentally engaged a much larger group of the enemy. If we are to succeed, then we must strike together.

Archer: Fighters? I do not know of what you speak, sir. I see no such thing.

Healer: They've moved 'round the corner, sirs, following the string of enemies that did give them battle. (aside) Am I the only one of these FREAKING morons that knows how to do their job?

(distantly) Fighters have gained seven levels from using melee weapons

Healer: Ugh, you know what, forget it. We'll just come resume the formation once we've killed everything that hits the fighters, ok?

Me: Oh, shit, kitty. I'm losing, hold on.

Archer: THE SWORD MOVES! TO BATTLE, FRIEND!

Mage: Oh dear! Eat level one pixie dust, fiends!

Healer: There is no god.

The game has been a lot like that except that there is no dialogue, sound effects or even much variety in stats to create an illusion of personality with these characters. Wolves snarl, monsters roar, rock beasts rumble, but my stalwart adventurers carry on in stoic silence. I started narrating it myself as the emptiness of my own life was laid bare in front of me, brought forward by the empty stares and inhuman obedience of my digital party mates.

Anyway. It was pretty good for a second there. Definitely slaked my need to play D & D a little bit, but sadly also aroused thoughts of playing World of Warcraft, in which case, I give someone permission to end my little existence.

P.S. Thanks Gas Powered games for making a tolkien rip off set vaguely in post-rome Britain. Somewhere on the comittee that writes your plots, there is a classics major. Next time, do him (and me a favor) and select a better name than "Empire of Stars".

P.S.S. Oh, on that note, since a clockwork orange was made into a movie, droog can refer only to gangmates in a dystopian future London. I don't care if its a nonsense syllable that fits in with your nonsense syllables. No milk bar, no dice. It's called blocking. Ask a linguist. Deal with it.